dream me oh dreamer

my body's strained but god i like it.. ok. today so far? pretty okay. i spent time at the gym from 11am to about 2:30pm. here's the run down:

breakfast: special k protein shake ( +180 cals )
on way to gym: 2 sugarfree redbulls ( +20 cals )
gym: 30 minutes on elliptical ( -276cals )
weight lifting ( -??cals )
40 minutes on treadmill ( -280cals )
weight lifting ( -??cals )
30 more minutes elliptical ( -276cals )
total = approximately -700calories (includes estimates for weight lifting)

i know a lot of anablogs i read have been back and forth on the subject of working out. i see more pros than cons, i think it depends on your mindset. some people might be ana because it loses weight faster and they are too lazy to work out. that's fine. but here are some reasons as to why working out on top of eating as little as possible is even better..

- you lose weight even faster than you do just not eating! you're knocking out extra calories and it helps your metabolism stay higher even as you are getting thinner.
- it motivates you to NOT binge. yeah, it makes you hungry but when you go to eat and think.. what the hell. i just worked so hard to burn more calories and i'm about to eat? hell no!
- it gives you an excuse for weight loss. got friends and family nagging you about how much weight you've lost? well, if they notice you working out more/going to the gym, you'll have a better excuse and if they see you working hard, maybe they won't even ask.
- you burn the fat first. if you have fat to burn and you're not eating, your muscle goes first which is fine when you don't want to look bulky from it but when you work out, it'll eat the fat first and muscle second.

those are just some of my arguments. i'm doing so good today.. but i have to go out to a meeting tonight and hang out with friends. with this usually comes food and drinks but let's keep our fingers crossed that i don't binge for dinner and keep it light. some thinspo next and i'm out!

failure is not an option

but i would deem today a failure. i failed at even counting calories. i purged a bunch again but it's hard at work. i was sort of pissed. i was doing well.. got my red bull and mindset and the store has to of course, buy pizza for everyone. somethings i can say no to and then there are somethings like pizza.. that i just can't. i tried. i picked off a couple pepperonis and ate them and then the cheese.. threw the rest away. i am definitely on a binging and purging streak these days but i don't want to be bulimic.. i just don't want to bother with that anymore. i'm scared to even weigh myself right now. i did well at home before work. had a couple apple slices. what is wrong with me? why can't i just not eat when i'm telling myself NOT to do it. it's so sad. it doesn't help that i had to close all weekend. i'm getting up around 7am tomorrow to drop my mom off at work. i'll probably have a couple sugar free redbulls and maybe a protein shake (180 cals) that will count as breakfast AND lunch. i plan on working out a good 4 to 5 hours since i haven't had any time to work out since thursday. i plan on pushing myself hard. since i know working out will build up an appetite, i need to figure out what i'm going to do when it comes time for dinner. i'd love to just skip it. i need to plan a fasting. i did a juice fast a couple months ago and i lost 8 pounds in a week. i just don't have money to buy all that fresh fruit right now. we'll see where i'm at before i do dinner but i won't do over 200 calories. i refuse. in fact, this is gonna be my plan for most of the week. wish me luck.

end of day #1

ok. day one is over after officially making the decision to follow this lifestyle. i have the mental mind for it until i cave. fighting the urge to binge is hard. here's the deal. i've off and on for the last 3 years have decided to make myself throw up every so often after i feel really guilty for eating something. it's easy to make myself throw up if i eat with a diet soda. i learned what foods were easier to throw up and what foods really sucked. the thing about being bulimic is.. it's harder. it's easier to hang out on campus at friend's houses and turn down food than it is to throw up after eating without them hearing. i don't want to be bulimic because i don't want to fuck my teeth up because i don't have dental. i just don't want to eat. i want to master eating under 500 calories a day. today? not sure if i made it.

breakfast: nothing.
lunch: 300 cals (that i didn't throw up.)
dinner: 250 cals
drinks: 20 cals.
altoids: i had eight, so 4 calories.
total: 578.

i didn't quite make it but it's an achievement on my part. the only problem is, i didn't work out today. i blame the holiday weekend. when i work night shifts (3pm to 10pm) it's hard to find time to make it there before work when i sleep til 11pm because i stay up til 2. so, tonight i'm going to make sure the a.c. is up full blast and stuff my blankets in the closet. can't hurt, right?

there is this mirror at work on the side of our sunglass unit that goes up and down ..maybe.. 5 feet tall? it's skinny, so when i turn to the side and look at myself it in, it distorts my body into looking super thin. i love staring at myself in it. i know it's not how i look but i think it's how i'd look if i weighed my goal weight. it's great motivation to stare at myself in it while i'm standing in front of the candy bars trying to talk myself out of buying one. instead, i went for altoids. .5 calories per altoids (the minis) and it's great to put a couple in my mouth and suck/chew on them to ward off cravings and this oral fixation i have. what else is great thinspiration? noticing all the skinny bitches that come in and shop around. what else is good inspiration? the fat fat fat asses that come in and shop around. they are always the one buying candy and potato chips and soda that isn't diet. i never want to be that fat and if i keep living the way i do i will. how the fuck do they walk to the back of the store for soda and then walk back up with a dr. pepper, bag of doritos and god knows what else and think it's okay that they are already out of breath? sometimes they have to lean on the counter because they are so out of breath. if i ever got that fat i'd kill myself. hell, i'm already fat enough i think about it.

another great thing that inspires me is this boy. he's great. he's built perfectly in a way that fits my type. we have been hanging out a lot. we have a ton in common. i mean, a ton. he's nice! i've never dated a nice boy before. in fact, i'm fat because of all of the assholes i've dated that used me and left me in the dust causing me to emotionally binge for months. sad thing is, i know that i'm his type personality wise but looks wise, he'd never date me because i'm such a fat ass. i know he likes cute, tiny girls. i am willing to be cute and tiny for him. fuck anyone who says that if he doesn't like me for who i am then it's his loss. who am i? i'm fat. that's who i am. who can blame him? i'm just sad i didn't dedicate myself to this sooner. now i have to spend months getting this disgusting fat off me before he'll look at me like that. so yes, thinking about him and our time together motivates me to put the food down.

to close out the day.. here's some pictures that inspire me besides my profile picture (which obviously isn't me..)