dream me oh dreamer

my body's strained but god i like it.. ok. today so far? pretty okay. i spent time at the gym from 11am to about 2:30pm. here's the run down:

breakfast: special k protein shake ( +180 cals )
on way to gym: 2 sugarfree redbulls ( +20 cals )
gym: 30 minutes on elliptical ( -276cals )
weight lifting ( -??cals )
40 minutes on treadmill ( -280cals )
weight lifting ( -??cals )
30 more minutes elliptical ( -276cals )
total = approximately -700calories (includes estimates for weight lifting)

i know a lot of anablogs i read have been back and forth on the subject of working out. i see more pros than cons, i think it depends on your mindset. some people might be ana because it loses weight faster and they are too lazy to work out. that's fine. but here are some reasons as to why working out on top of eating as little as possible is even better..

- you lose weight even faster than you do just not eating! you're knocking out extra calories and it helps your metabolism stay higher even as you are getting thinner.
- it motivates you to NOT binge. yeah, it makes you hungry but when you go to eat and think.. what the hell. i just worked so hard to burn more calories and i'm about to eat? hell no!
- it gives you an excuse for weight loss. got friends and family nagging you about how much weight you've lost? well, if they notice you working out more/going to the gym, you'll have a better excuse and if they see you working hard, maybe they won't even ask.
- you burn the fat first. if you have fat to burn and you're not eating, your muscle goes first which is fine when you don't want to look bulky from it but when you work out, it'll eat the fat first and muscle second.

those are just some of my arguments. i'm doing so good today.. but i have to go out to a meeting tonight and hang out with friends. with this usually comes food and drinks but let's keep our fingers crossed that i don't binge for dinner and keep it light. some thinspo next and i'm out!

failure is not an option

but i would deem today a failure. i failed at even counting calories. i purged a bunch again but it's hard at work. i was sort of pissed. i was doing well.. got my red bull and mindset and the store has to of course, buy pizza for everyone. somethings i can say no to and then there are somethings like pizza.. that i just can't. i tried. i picked off a couple pepperonis and ate them and then the cheese.. threw the rest away. i am definitely on a binging and purging streak these days but i don't want to be bulimic.. i just don't want to bother with that anymore. i'm scared to even weigh myself right now. i did well at home before work. had a couple apple slices. what is wrong with me? why can't i just not eat when i'm telling myself NOT to do it. it's so sad. it doesn't help that i had to close all weekend. i'm getting up around 7am tomorrow to drop my mom off at work. i'll probably have a couple sugar free redbulls and maybe a protein shake (180 cals) that will count as breakfast AND lunch. i plan on working out a good 4 to 5 hours since i haven't had any time to work out since thursday. i plan on pushing myself hard. since i know working out will build up an appetite, i need to figure out what i'm going to do when it comes time for dinner. i'd love to just skip it. i need to plan a fasting. i did a juice fast a couple months ago and i lost 8 pounds in a week. i just don't have money to buy all that fresh fruit right now. we'll see where i'm at before i do dinner but i won't do over 200 calories. i refuse. in fact, this is gonna be my plan for most of the week. wish me luck.