end of day #1

ok. day one is over after officially making the decision to follow this lifestyle. i have the mental mind for it until i cave. fighting the urge to binge is hard. here's the deal. i've off and on for the last 3 years have decided to make myself throw up every so often after i feel really guilty for eating something. it's easy to make myself throw up if i eat with a diet soda. i learned what foods were easier to throw up and what foods really sucked. the thing about being bulimic is.. it's harder. it's easier to hang out on campus at friend's houses and turn down food than it is to throw up after eating without them hearing. i don't want to be bulimic because i don't want to fuck my teeth up because i don't have dental. i just don't want to eat. i want to master eating under 500 calories a day. today? not sure if i made it.

breakfast: nothing.
lunch: 300 cals (that i didn't throw up.)
dinner: 250 cals
drinks: 20 cals.
altoids: i had eight, so 4 calories.
total: 578.

i didn't quite make it but it's an achievement on my part. the only problem is, i didn't work out today. i blame the holiday weekend. when i work night shifts (3pm to 10pm) it's hard to find time to make it there before work when i sleep til 11pm because i stay up til 2. so, tonight i'm going to make sure the a.c. is up full blast and stuff my blankets in the closet. can't hurt, right?

there is this mirror at work on the side of our sunglass unit that goes up and down ..maybe.. 5 feet tall? it's skinny, so when i turn to the side and look at myself it in, it distorts my body into looking super thin. i love staring at myself in it. i know it's not how i look but i think it's how i'd look if i weighed my goal weight. it's great motivation to stare at myself in it while i'm standing in front of the candy bars trying to talk myself out of buying one. instead, i went for altoids. .5 calories per altoids (the minis) and it's great to put a couple in my mouth and suck/chew on them to ward off cravings and this oral fixation i have. what else is great thinspiration? noticing all the skinny bitches that come in and shop around. what else is good inspiration? the fat fat fat asses that come in and shop around. they are always the one buying candy and potato chips and soda that isn't diet. i never want to be that fat and if i keep living the way i do i will. how the fuck do they walk to the back of the store for soda and then walk back up with a dr. pepper, bag of doritos and god knows what else and think it's okay that they are already out of breath? sometimes they have to lean on the counter because they are so out of breath. if i ever got that fat i'd kill myself. hell, i'm already fat enough i think about it.

another great thing that inspires me is this boy. he's great. he's built perfectly in a way that fits my type. we have been hanging out a lot. we have a ton in common. i mean, a ton. he's nice! i've never dated a nice boy before. in fact, i'm fat because of all of the assholes i've dated that used me and left me in the dust causing me to emotionally binge for months. sad thing is, i know that i'm his type personality wise but looks wise, he'd never date me because i'm such a fat ass. i know he likes cute, tiny girls. i am willing to be cute and tiny for him. fuck anyone who says that if he doesn't like me for who i am then it's his loss. who am i? i'm fat. that's who i am. who can blame him? i'm just sad i didn't dedicate myself to this sooner. now i have to spend months getting this disgusting fat off me before he'll look at me like that. so yes, thinking about him and our time together motivates me to put the food down.

to close out the day.. here's some pictures that inspire me besides my profile picture (which obviously isn't me..)