failure is not an option

but i would deem today a failure. i failed at even counting calories. i purged a bunch again but it's hard at work. i was sort of pissed. i was doing well.. got my red bull and mindset and the store has to of course, buy pizza for everyone. somethings i can say no to and then there are somethings like pizza.. that i just can't. i tried. i picked off a couple pepperonis and ate them and then the cheese.. threw the rest away. i am definitely on a binging and purging streak these days but i don't want to be bulimic.. i just don't want to bother with that anymore. i'm scared to even weigh myself right now. i did well at home before work. had a couple apple slices. what is wrong with me? why can't i just not eat when i'm telling myself NOT to do it. it's so sad. it doesn't help that i had to close all weekend. i'm getting up around 7am tomorrow to drop my mom off at work. i'll probably have a couple sugar free redbulls and maybe a protein shake (180 cals) that will count as breakfast AND lunch. i plan on working out a good 4 to 5 hours since i haven't had any time to work out since thursday. i plan on pushing myself hard. since i know working out will build up an appetite, i need to figure out what i'm going to do when it comes time for dinner. i'd love to just skip it. i need to plan a fasting. i did a juice fast a couple months ago and i lost 8 pounds in a week. i just don't have money to buy all that fresh fruit right now. we'll see where i'm at before i do dinner but i won't do over 200 calories. i refuse. in fact, this is gonna be my plan for most of the week. wish me luck.